A few weeks back, we asked readers to enter our Ogres in Love contest. You were given 100 words or less to tell the tale of large humanoids in love, just in time for Valentine's Day. The prize? A copy of The Slayer's Guide to Ogres by Mongoose Publishing.
So, without futher delay, here's the best submissions we received, with the winning entry saved for last.
A few readers couldn't hold back their affection for Ogres, and gushed prose a bit beyond the alloted word count. While not eligible to win, their entries were still amusing:
It is a commonly held believe that ogres like violence. True enough, but
somewhat incomplete. The truth is, ogres love violence. This in turn shows that
ogres are indeed capable of love. And on that special day called Valentine's
Day, ogres express this love the only way they know how: violently. When an
ogre feels that certain tug at his heart, he pries away his lover's fist from
his chest and begins this sweet ritual. First, chocolates are given, usually
in the form of a bag of brownies (with a pixie or two throw in for color). As
the female bashes her treats into bite-sized submission, the male readies his
'club of seduction'. His goal is to find the perfect moment of distraction
in the gorging female and lay an Ogre Love Tap upon her skull. If done
correctly, the female will respect him when/if she wakes up and love will be returned
upon him in kind as he sleeps off the afterglow of Ogre Love.
- Scott Lipsey
With his entry, Charles threw word count limits to the wind, opting instead to craft a Shakespearian-style sonnet:
Hungry For Love
To ogres, plain affection is bizarre
Sweet romance, to an ogre, stranger still
No purchase could be had at a bazaar
For what could take the place of urge to kill?
In jest, did Cupid aim his bow and fire
And strike, it did, an ogre during feast
But now we mourn poor Cupid on his pyre
For sense of humor, ogres have it least
Such horrid deed! Such dire and bitter news!
True lovers o'er the world learned Cupid's fate
The ogre, it would seem, had blown a fuse
And Cupid met his end at hands of hate
To ogre, love was newfound appetite
And he and she shared Cupid bite by bite
A dominant theme amongst the contest submissions was an Ogre's usual lack of intelligence. While we at OgreCave take umbrage at the implication that we no rite gud, some of these humorous entries ended up as front-runners:
Kor'vok loves Ganesha. Kor'vok will do many many good good things for Ganesha on the heart day. Kor'vok will find little fuzzy thing that is weak. Kor'vok will find colored flowers that are not poisonous. Kor'vok will give them to Ganesha. If the fuzzy thing hurts Ganesha Kor'vok will bash it many many times against the Earth and it will die. Ganesha will say "Kor'vok is large male who crush fuzzy thing, Ganesha am female who no liked the fuzzy thing, good". We will then do something romantic, like hunting. It will be good.
I'm Gruhum. I know what you are thinking. Why that ogre is carrying that
punch of roses?
It all started this morning. Valentine's day. By Erythnul! I don't
really know why mighty ogres of the Kaladrum's clan must celebrate it.
It was like this: Wake up. Think about picking a flower up. Ups! Hunting
time. Not a flower yet. Noon. I almost forgot, pals meeting at the cave.
No flowers in the cave. Afternoon. Where I find a flower? I know. An
elf camp called Flowershop. Evening and several hacking & slashing
later...Uff! Finally. Roses for my Ghery.
- Quim Ball·llosera
Gubb tink. Wut Vraka likie fer hart day? Mebbe me make gib her chalkolate covered halfling. She like dose. No. Mebbe me make ub song fer her? No... wood need bard, an me ate last wun. Gubb culd gib her fancy shiny ring, but den she whine "when we get married?" Wut abut I gib her me hart! Oh... dat no gud. Me needs dat to live. Culd gib her anudder hart, mebbe frum snack in cave? Uggg, dis hurt hed. Me just gib her same ting like last year, knock on hed wit club and drag her to cave....
- Michael Brygider
Jeff's entry shows just how powerful an Ogre's love can be:
The ogre celebration, Vahlk's day as it is called in the ogre’s nomenclature, revolves around the ability of the male ogre to suitably impress his mate by a feat of strength and valor. Males range far and wide across the wilderness looking for the proper token of their affection - a heart ripped from a living victim. The more dangerous the creature the heart is taken from, the greater the expression of ardor. The Yeng valley ogres speak in awe of Hgar the Reckless, who laid the still beating heart of a blue dragon before the feet of his companion.
- Jeff Bryant
My tenure at Ogre High was rough; I was the scrawny/smart wallflower constantly targeted by alpha males. My status kept me from the heart of true love, and lead cheerleader, Sally-Mae. Grunt training was not my future, so I enrolled into the wizard academy determined to show Sally-Mae that I can contend with the brutes and win her affection. Unlike the typical burnt deer haunch, we'll go to the local human settlement, polymorphed as humans, and make a night of the choicest foods, freshest flowers, and dance at the king's ball - all without a single "Zug-Zug".
The Big Winner
Finally, here's the winning entry from David Vega. With an Ogre "Poem of
Day," David displays an understanding of both the pain of being an Ogre apart, and the pain of being together. David wins the prize with these words:
A POEM OF THE DAY
Me Love Girl From Village.
Me Hunt Food For Her.
Me Kill Man For Her.
She Say Me Ugly Beast.
She Hurt My Feelings Bad.
Me Want To Crush Her!
All Sad And Alone Here.
Cave Cold Without Own Girl.
Grunk Have Girl In Cave.
Will Take Grunk's Girl Now.
Whack Thud Ouch Pummel Crush.
Grunk's Girl Mine Now Happy.
Nag Nag Crush Thump Ouch!
New Girl Thorn In Hide.
Cave Color of Daytime Sky
No Wonder Grunk Laughing Me.
Me and Grunk Drink Beer
Now Best of Ogre Friends
Ogre Valentines Not Supposed Happen.
- David V. Vega
Congrats, David! Thanks to Mongoose Publishing for making the Ogres in Love contest possible, and a special thanks to all those who participated. As always, your submissions kept us highly entertained.
And best of luck to everyone in clubbing a mate over the head next Valentine's Day, if you're so inclined.